"I'd like to say a few words, for the two best, life-long friends that a person could have...Chelsea and what's-his-name...if I've learned anything from these two fun-lovin' kids, it's that...well...you really can learn from your parents. Yes sir, Chelsea has learned that it's okay to live a life in the lap of absolute hedonism and at the top of the social strata, all the while condemning the very people who are making your life a living metaphor for living at the fucking pig's feeder. Look at the genius of her dad....working with the politics of condemning big business - like Goldman-Sachs - but betrothing his little girl to a fine young man who works for that very company. All the while screwing the hell out of the common, hard-working American by taxing the shit out of him. Sheer genius. Yes sir, Chelsea has had fine teachers.
What else have I learned? Well, that's easy...Chelsea is the embodiment of a false myth, in that only the beautiful girls get the guys with big bucks...Chelsea is as but-fucking ugly a girl as I've ever seen, but now she's got a sugar daddy. Here's to hoping that what's-his-name finds something hot on the side. With his cash, he sure should be able to.
TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM!"
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