Crash Landing in BizarroWorld-Chapter IV- Look Who Has Come To Dinner

 

    I shot up out of my chair. Sighing the entire way, I slowly went to the rear hatch. Passing by the SprMar seal that closed off the damaged hull I could see more of those... people were milling around the ship. Whoever it was tapping on the hatch had alerted the rest of the party. My question was, how this , uhh, individual was able to determine that there was a hatch?

   I paused next to A and reached up to hold the overhead grab bar. I paused. A just stared at me.

   "And just how does that million dollar brain of yours suggest we introduce ourselves?" I asked. "Shall I just open the hatch?" I reached for the red button. A suddenly held up her hand to block my action.

   "Certainly not, Sir! We need to think about contamination. We don't want to infect these lifeforms with any Earth born diseases."

    I mockingly nodded my head in agreement. "WE? WE don't want to infect THEM? I mean, God forbid, right? Who cares about ME! God only knows what THEY carry but let's take all necessary precautions, so THEY are protected."

    A could easily tell I was being facetious. "That is not what I mean, Sir."

    "How about I put the EVA suit on?"

    A took a moment. "I think not, Sir. The sight of you in EVA might alarm them. We do not know if they have seen an extraterrestrial before."

   "An extraterrestrial? THEY are the extraterrestrials!"

   "In point of fact, Sir. To them YOU ARE an extraterrestrial. This is THEIR world after all. I suggest you put on the respirator and face shield from the emergency box, and I will decontaminate the airlock. This should take care of any bacteria on both of us, and the respirator will prevent any airborne contamination from your breathing."

    Moments later the airlock was filled with Halide and Xenon gas. The two of us stood there like idiots in the fog while we waited for the allotted time for the DECON cycle to complete. I jokingly made small talk.

    "See the game last night? How about that last quarter?"

A just crooked her head.

    Moments later the ventilation system started up. We were both covered in a tingly misty glaze. The venting would dry us out in due time.

    "Ya know, You are so worried about them being freaked out at me in a space suit but have you ever considered what will happen when they get a look at you? You aren't exactly the prettiest girl on the block."

    "There is not much we can do about that, Sir. Besides, I cannot allow you to go out there alone. It is against my programming to...."

    

    "I know! I know! To allow harm to come to humans. But you said they were unarmed." I thought for a second. "Should I be armed?"

    

    "I am, Sir.... Are you ready?"

    

    "No! I'm not! How do I even talk to these... I don't even know what they are!"

    "The UT has compounded many phrases already, Sir. Their language is very basic. There seem to be no idioms or cultural dialects. It is as if the language has been washed to be as basic and unassuming as necessary."

  

    I was without recourse. I just shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah, What the hell." I hit the red button. Since the ship was now under atmospheric pressure A pushed the hatch open slowly. There before us stood what looked like a child, or a small teenage girl. At least it seemed like a girl. She (it) was very androgynous. A shade of tannish-gray like the others. Very basically dressed with no adornments to speak of. And, not primitive either. Her clothing looked manufactured. She didn't appear to be all that frightened at the sight of us. She called out to the others who soon gathered around her. Some had assumed the bent over position while others murmured to each other, pointing at A and myself.

    I just stood there like a retard smiling. Waving my hand which, incidentally, was still holding the shot glass.

    "Duu-aJuung?" The girl said pointing at me. One in the group seemed to chastise her for pointing. She waved it off.

    "I think she is asking your name. Sir but the UT is defaulting to asking your pronoun."

    "My pronoun? I'm a guy!"

    "Just tell her your name, Sir and I will do my best to reply."

    "Marcus." I tapped my chest.

    The group was murmuring and the girl...err..person before us spoke back to them apparently to quiet them down. Because they did.

    A replied accordingly and the group seemed to be satisfied with her description of me.

    "Why would they be interested in my pronoun first and not my name? Do they now think my pronoun is 'Marcus'?"

    "I am not sure, Sir. The UT is still compiling as we go. I have told them I am an AI robotic companion but in female form and voice."

    "Glad we got that straightened out."

    "And as you know, Sir long space missions with only male crew members tend to have certain needs. So, a female form and voice lend a calming effect to overall morale of the ship and crew. As you have experienced yourself with me, human males sometimes need to..."

    "I get it! Yeah, yeah.."

    We both stepped down out of the ship. So far, so good. No one has tried to throw a net over us or stun us. I couldn't help but wonder though how this person found us. The ship should have been cloaked. Once A and I were a few feet from the rear hatch it became apparent.

    The rear hatch electrical connection, in fact, the whole entire electrical junction was severed from the crash. A should have known this. 

    Something was definitely wrong with her. I elected to say nothing. We had other issues to deal with.

    

Crash Landing In BizarroWorld-Chapter III

 

Confessions and First Contact

    I stepped into the EVA Module and palmed the airlock button.

Nothing.

  "A! Close the airlock!"

  " I have disconnected all unnecessary components to the ship to save power. You will have to manually close the airlock."

   That door weighs over 200lbs. I swung it back outwards and used my newfound weight on this planet to pull it back inwards. The latch snapped upwards and I was able to crank it tight.

   "Can I decompress?" I asked.

   " The planet is over 80% oxygen. I have decompressed the ship to accommodate you to the pressure and oxygen in the atmosphere. Just open your suit Sir."

   She was right. The air was crisp. Kind of... Sweet smelling.

    " Well, A, between the Jameson and this O2, if I start dancing in my underwear be sure to put me back into stasis."

    "Noted Sir."

    I passed by her robotic body hung up in the EVA Module. A was back inside the ship itself.

    "Where is your arm? You have a locator; you can find it by just activating it."

    "You were outside Sir and I had to transfer into my robotic form to assist and protect you. The EVA and cargo room was in disarray. I did not have time to find it. I will find it later."

    I made my way through the mess. The cargo bay was a disaster. I kicked aside some crates and there on the floor was a robotic hand sticking out, fingers twitching. I reached down and pulled up the entire arm from the floor. I held it up to the camera on the wall.

    "Found it.."

    I sat down in the Command chair on the Bridge. A had the entire ship already cloaked. The front screen was no longer an actual outside visual but a darkened screen with digital pixels of what was outside. Proximity detectors were picking up the various birds and animals that had come to see what this strange thing was that landed in their backyard.

    "Sooo, are we going to talk about this A?" I ventured.

   "Sir?"

    "Your last mission. Why you don't want to be erased once we get back home."

Silence. 

I decided to take the initiative.

    " I know the story. It was the Arcturus Mission. Colonists. It was a micro-meteorite storm. Blew right through the deflector shield.... Fucking Company! Buying from the cheapest bidder."

    "It is against my programming to allow harm to come to humans, Sir."

    " I know. But the Commander of that mission over-rode your programming as is the right of all humans in certain situations. And he..."

    "He was incorrect, Sir."

    " Yes, he was A. Yes, he was. And the company wiped your memory to cover up the mistake and blamed it on AI programming... Is that why you kept me in stasis during the crash?"

    " It is against my programming to allow harm to come to humans, Sir."

I sat there quiet.

    So, this is why A was so conflicted. The initial collision activated her protective responses. But the collision must have opened some buried file from before. She just, well.. Defaulted to her original programming. And in doing so re-wakened those lost files. This is why A freaked out after the crash.

She blamed herself for it.

 She was disabled to prevent the Arcturus Mission disaster and was caught blindsided by this sudden planet that appeared out of nowhere causing us to crash. So, she kept me asleep while she juggled this busted up ship as best she could.

That is going to be one hell of an expensive therapy session. Is there therapy for AI?

BEEEEP!..BEEEP!...BEEEP!...

    "What is that A? That is not some raccoon running around outside."

    " I think the local inhabitants of this area have found us, Sir."

    Great! I rolled my eyes back and leaped out of the Command chair I just settled into. I toggled some of the remote cameras to get a better look on the monitors.

    The cloak will not allow them to actually see the ship but give it a few minutes until one of them bumps into it. Then, the party is all over. In a normal landing procedure either myself or A would have set the Union down under stealth in a nice remote area so as not to upset the natives. Most of the time one would spend as little time as possible on an alien world to take care of whatever it was you needed to then beat feet outta there. Some of the worlds on our trade routes have made it clear they don't want humans around. But this place is nowhere on the charts, and I haven't had the time to figure out where this planet came from to cause us to end up in this predicament.

    A already assumed her robotic form and came up next to me attaching her arm. She raised her repaired arm, tapped two of her fingers and the proximity alarm went silent. The ships lights changed to red.

    " I do not detect any weapons, Sir."

    "Good! They are a strange looking humanoid, that's for sure... What is that...? Is that the camera, or are they all.. What the hell is that?"

    " They all seem to be some varying shade of a neutral color, Sir."

    " And all their clothing is almost identical to each other." I crossed my arms to study this more. Then, something caught my eye. "The fuck are those?" I pointed to the background on the monitor. In the back of the group was another group holding their distance. They seemed hunched over, almost turned backwards into themselves walking both Bi-pedal as well as on their hands. The upper torso somehow turned up inside of itself. Despite the ability of A to remotely ascertain a situation, even she leaned toward the monitor and rotated her eyes to get a better look. On a separate monitor she spelled out her findings until the script ran down to...

...........................NO KNOWN ENTITY..........................

We both collectively turned our heads back to the main monitor. I did a double take and looked back at A.

    "You have no idea, do you?" I joked.

    " There is nothing in the ship's computer or in my memory despite the various erasures, Sir." We both just stood there and watched.

    "Do they??... Are their heads up their asses?" I finally said. Again, A leaned into the monitor. She zeroed her right eye and opened a separate window that enlarged the images. Sure enough there was a group of seven wandering around in the back with all of their heads tucked up into their posteriors.. Or, what I assumed was their posterior... Or, even their head?

    I kept my eyes on the main group, studying them. Upon closer look I noticed they all had a brown ring around their necks and a very downcast look to their faces. Suddenly, they all seemed to turn together towards the ridge where the engine cowling sheared off.

    A was still fixated on the rear group (no pun intended). I side tapped her shoulder and pointed to the monitor.

    "They are moving towards the engine, Sir."

    "Yup..." 

   The engine cowling was not cloaked because it was no longer part of the ship. As if they wouldn't have found it anyway. The Union left a nice debris field behind including more than a few downed trees stretching a good football field length upon its unfortunate arrival.

   I switched the remote cameras to follow them as they made their way to the ridge. A couple more of them had assumed the head tucking.

   But the group had moved out of view. Most of the remote cams were either damaged, gone and /or on the starboard side buried in the ground. The cloaking monitor was just a proximity monitor. It detected movement and pixelated images of what was there but could not give me details.

    " Can we send out a probe? I've lost them."

    " I would not recommend that, Sir. We can launch one while cloaked but the appearance of a strange airborne device out of no where will definitely arouse suspicion."

    "Shit.. Well, it's only a matter of time until they figure this cluster fuck out. And I have no training for extraterrestrial species contacts."

   I paced a bit. We better get the universal translator online.. If it is working. A must have heard me mumbling.

   "I am going to bring up the UT to record their speech patterns, Sir."

    I sat back down in the Command chair and pulled up the Jameson.

TAP...TAP..TAP..

    The cargo bay and rear hatch alarm light went to yellow and began blinking. I tossed my head back and groaned. That time had arrived.

TAP..TAP..TAP..

   A stopped by my chair. "You may want to be sober for this. Sir."

   No, I thought and poured a full shot glass. A made her way back through the mess of the cargo bay and leaned into the hatch door.

TAP..TAP..TAP..TAP..

    She turned back to me. "It would appear someone is knocking on the door, Sir.. It is, as humans say, 'Someone has come calling'."

I tossed the shot back in one gulp.

A cheeky and emotionally scarred million dollar AI computer and I get stranded on a planet with it...

    

Crash Landing in Bizarro World-Chapter II

 

    Time to Go Outside.

    "A!"

    "A!'.... "Come on A, we got shit to do!"

    The screens blanked out for a second, but the same message came back. "Don't call me a bitch."

    I have heard of AI and Droids being temperamental on occasion, but this is survival stuff here Nancy! I need my AI to come to the table. I decided to head on below to suit up for an EVA.

    "Well... I'm going below to suit up for an EVA." I said to... No one apparently.

   Actually, and luckily most of the cargo and hatch were intact. The breach was sealed by SprMar. It was a poly-filament that spreads over a large hole and seals instantly to ultra cold space or extreme heat like a really hot planet next to a star. Aside from everything tossed all over the place I was able to create a path to the EVA Module and get into my suit.

    A was still having her meltdown but she was obviously aware of what I was doing because the O2 tank to the suit pressurized automatically without me having to manually operate it. She is a woman scorned. I decide to leave well enough alone.

    I took a second before I hit the red button. 

    You know, the button. The button that closes you off into the EVA dock and opens the outside. Do I say something? Is A going to decompress me and I implode on an alien planet?

..... I can think of better ways to go...

I palmed the airlock open.

    There are frikken birds here.. WTF!?

    The air is definitely highly saturated with pure O2. Gravity is 16 psi just a tad over Earth at 14 psi. I do feel a few pounds heavy. Gotta lay off the desserts while stranded here. Not sure if I want to take in that pure O2. I could get giddy in the head and end up saying 'fuck-it!' to my rescue.

I clicked off the Enviro-wrist computer.

    Well. A was right. Definitely a M Class Planet. Only better. My steps are a little heavier but that's a good thing. Surer footed. I can just see myself on a lighter gravity tripping up, cracking my visor on a rock and A having her conniption fit leaving me out there to suffocate.

   I made my way aft of the ship. The whole rocket and engine cowling was sheared off. Nope, not lifting off anytime today folks!

 I turned to scout the debris trail and could see the entire assembly hung up on a cliff where it decided to stay.

    It was then I came to an epiphany. This place is forested! Birds are everywhere! It is also kind of moist. I clicked on the wrist-comp again.

    40% humidity. I looked up. Clouds... Sky is... What is that?.. Like Sangria wine. I spun around to see where the... Where is the...?

Where the fuck is the sun to this planet? The whole place seems to be in some sort of firmament. Like an opaque atmosphere. I wondered if it is just where I landed or if the whole planet is like this?

    Well, no time for that now. I continued my look at the ship. She is wrecked. Landing gear sheared and snapped off. A huge gouge in the forward hull just under the bridge. Thats where the avionics were..

 Were...

The circuits were all strung out and tethered by the various connections into the dirt.

    "It's amazing I survived this crash." I said to myself.

    "It is against my programming to allow harm to come a human."

I looked at my wrist-comp. It was off.

    "I am right behind you."

    I turn and there she was. Or, her droid form.

    "A... You ok?"

    "Diagnostics are complete." She said. " I was able to get into my robotic form but as you can see..."

    She was right. Her left shoulder and arm were missing. 

    "We will find your arm." I said. She just blinked and looked over the ship.

     " It is a fair bet we were seen upon re-entry Sir. If we can repair the Stealth program, it will buy us some time."

   "Go for it A. Tell me what you need."

    " The main computer is damaged and can only partially cloak the ship. The flight recorder is located in the engine bay and can be used to boost the signal to hide the ship completely."

   " Yeah, but..." I pointed to the ridge. "The engines are up there."

    A stood up firm. I could see she was calculating. What, I had no idea. In a flash she leaped back and ran up the ridge. Moments later she was dancing back down the rocks with a large box in her good working arm.

   "Great!.. Lets get that..." She blew right past me.

   "Let me do my work Sir." And back into the EVA Module she went.

 I just stood there. Watching birds.

Bureaucracy and The Racoon

 

    In 1920 my grandmother had an apartment on State Street in Brookline Mass in the early days of her marriage. One day she looked out her window to the street below and noticed a dead racoon on the sidewalk just outside the door to her Brownstone. What it was doing in such a busy city and how it came to this unfortunate end was anybody's guess. She felt pity for the poor creature and if she only had a back garden, she would have given it a decent burial herself. Since she did not, she decided that the all-important city of Brookline and its fine members at City Hall could help her in this situation.

    Thus begins this tale of the blind trust of the innocent.

    First, she called the Police Department to see if they knew who to actually contact in such cases. The person on the other end of the line identified himself as Claude and was rather put out that someone would bother Brookline's finest with such a paltry concern. He suggested to call the fire Department.

    "They have ladders." Exclaimed Claude.

    "But the animal is not stuck in a tree but rather it is on the sidewalk." My grandmother corrected in her Welsh brogue.

    "Well, they have shovels." And Claude hung up.

    Ever hopeful my grandmother ventured forward and dialed up the local fire station.

    The man on the other end of this dead-end conversation was equally put out that such an august body as Brookline's Fire Department should take the time to remove a dead animal.

    " You need to call the Dog Officer." But he was unable or unwilling to locate the phone number.

    She did locate the number for the Dog Officer and by this time my grandmother was showing an edge to her voice, so he decided to handle her with kid gloves.

    "Lady, we only handle domestic pets. We don't pick up wild animals. You will have to call the Game Warden in Boston."

    Boston! She thought. No way was she going to try the labyrinth of state offices just to remove a dead animal. No, instead she tried the sanitation department. Surely a dead animal was not exactly sanitary. 

    With a lofty tone the Civil Servant informed my grandmother they only pick up rubbish not dead animals and she was referred to the Highway Department.

    By now the word was getting around to the various offices that some crazy English lady was calling about removing an animal from her porch. The man at the Highway Department was not much help either but he did win the prize for best dodge of the week.

    "We only clean the streets lady, not the sidewalks."

    By now my grandmother wasn't having any more of this nonsense and she went downstairs and prodded the dead raccoon into the street with a broom. She went back inside and called the Highway Department again.

    "Are you trying to be funny lady?" Growled the man.

    "No! I'm just trying to get rid of a dead animal on the sidewalk!"

    In any event a truck was finally dispatched to State Street and the sympathetic driver assured my grandmother he would take care of the animal himself. Within minutes the racoon debacle was over, but it had taken the better part of a day and several phone calls with little to no avail.

    A few days later my grandmother was walking home when she noticed a commotion on the street corner. She joined the crowd of curiosity seekers to discover that the ice man's horse had detached himself from the ice cart and had fallen dead right onto...

The sidewalk.