Thursday, October 4, 2012

A Traveler's Guide to BizarroWorld

    Welcome to the Traveler's Guide to BizarroWorld. In this pamphlet you will find many interesting subjects and sites to ponder. It has been my pleasure to piece together such a valuable companion to the Common Sense Individual as he/she navigates this amazingly interesting planet. I wish to address a few crucial points as you embark on your journey. This is purely for your safety and (partly) as my way of saying "I told you so.."

    BizarroWorld is incredibly dangerous. Only the strong of conviction and politically educated should attempt the more remote areas of the planet. Be prepared to lose everything you stand for and be told you are insane, racist, homophobic and/or a Right Wing Nutbag. Be sure if you plan on running for office you are willing to be crucified for what you believe in. This is a particularly dangerous part of the planet. The bodies are everywhere.
    Nothing here makes any sense whatsoever. Alcohol helps for it is the only way for an educated person to understand the BizarroWorlders. Lies are the truth in BizzarroWorld. Deception is key to the power of the hegemony that dominates this planet and extends to others worlds within the system. For instance, at one time the leaders dared the inhabitants to reach for space. They attained quite a level of sofistication until the whole thing fell apart thanks to the emergence of The OObi (more on him later).
    The inhabitants are controlled by their own fear and inability to broaden their sense of self determination due to decades of largesse from the ruling elite. That largesse comes in various forms and there is a segment about that in this companion. This control creates suspicion amongst the dwellers so be careful how you proceed with statements that make total sense in the real world. This is BizarroWorld!
    The America you have departed from no longer exists here. It is not the exceptional nation built upon freedom, liberty and justice. It has morphed into some amalgamate of a planetary government called The UN. What rules apply in other areas of the planet apply here. However, long standing priciples of Government of a Republic do not apply to those areas..Nor do they here. In some areas lawlessness is rampant and supported politically, financially and morally by this UN. There is a palpable hatred amongst the majority of the inhabitants of these principles. Those who still cling to it have gone underground and formed movements in an attempt to restore the American Republic. Many of these groups are the same ones you will see targeted as you journey through this land. Be mindful: do not attempt contact unless you can live up to the standards and consequences listed above. You will be viewed as "one of them". Do not aid or comfort or you will never see your Homeworld again. You could be killed.

    With that covered, lets talk about what you will need for survival equipment on this desolate orb. The first thing you will need is a very thick skin. Preferably the texture and thickness of Bison works well here. (Note: If you accidentally manage an unfortunate confrontation with a BizarroWorlder, just say you are a Bison. They will immediately want to protect you from everything, including yourself. Claiming you are an "old growth" forest has worked for other travelers).
    Weapons are banned here. Only law enforcement and government are allowed to have them. Again, be careful if you choose to carry one. Keep it hidden and if you are forced to use it, HIDE THE BODY!!
    This brings me to the next piece of equipment. You will need a shovel. One reason, to bury any bodies you acumulate and to clear away the immense debris fields known a bullshit. BizarroWorld makes so much of it it is piled up from horizon to horizon somewhere around the neck level. This explains the brown rings around the inhabitant's necks. It has nothing to do with the sphincter.
    Feel free to bring any electronic texting/phone device you wish. 99.9% of all BizarroWorlders are transfixed on theirs. This can be useful due to the fact that they pay no attention to anything else except those things. Car accidents are frequent so be carefull walking or driving, no one is paying attention.The only exception is if you say, text, post or print something that one of them deems 'offensive". The possibility of all out war can turn on a phrase, a photo, a drawing, so be very careful in this regard. You could be arrested or killed.
    Dress accordingly for the weather (ladies no innapropriate shoes or revealing clothes if you vist the Middle Eastern side of the planet). Wear nothing with a political emblem on it. Hide any example of military service unless you are actively in the service and on deployement. This has been found to intimidate BizarroWorlders and can be very effective during unfortunate confrontations. In more recent cases however, such military personnel have been asked  to remove such uniforms.
    Bring medicine. Get all your shots. Learn First-Aid before coming here and bring a kit with you!. A medical emergency could send you into the labyrinth of their government run medical facilities. To date, millions are presumed still lost and wandering in there as a result of an unintended injury while visiting. Most are presumed dead. Don't be one of them.
    Finally bring losts of cash but be sure to keep it hidden and close to your body. Theft is a very real possibility although most of it takes place on a governmental level. Most of these people however, can be bribed with large amounts of cash. You will see this if you attend a protest put on by any of the Unions that dominate the landscape. Please view these from afar for they tend to get out of hand and result and violence and property damage.

    With that I hope you enjoy the next chapters that will be published in the days ahead as you prepare for your trip into...BizarroWorld

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