A Traveler's Guide To BizarroWorld Part III

  Places To Avoid

    There are some places on the planet you should be mindful to avoid. These areas are considered hostile to just about everyone including BizarroWorlders themselves. The only problem is the BizarroWorlders seem to think if they keep apologizing that these areas will suddenly like them again. One such area is the Middle Eastern section of the planet. Avoid this at all costs. Just fly over it on your way to the Far Eastern side of the planet. Even that area is tricky at times. Do not consider sailing anywhere near the area either unless a hostage scenario is in your itinerary. The waters are filled with pirates. There is a military presense there but they are under strict UN orders to do nothing about the problem (except the Russians, they don't give a shit in any way). See the website: military.com/shock and awe for a great clip of Russians blowing the crap out of a pirate boat..It is awesome!
    Avoid the African Continent, especially if you have children. They could be kidnapped and turned into guerilla militia and turned against you with an AK47. Many of the incurable diseases in BizarroWorld come from there. The intelligent ones who reside there are coming to the Western part of the planet to escape that living hell. The rest are too poor or indoctrinated in a Junta of some sort.
    There are still some amazing animals that manage to avoid poaching but that is soon to fade away since no one there cares about the future of their own environment. Many Western BizarroWorlders pore money to various "no profits" to help the people and the animals of this section but it is a lost cause. The money is squandered, stolen and what gets through is barely enough to fuel a truck. Do not get taken in by any of these causes while there.
    The Polar regions are rumored to be melting but as of this publishing the author has found no credible evidence to support such a notion. It is as frikken, freezing cold as all get out!
    Avoid various regions of the southern Western Hemisphere. Some nut named Chaves owns one area and his people are totally indocrinated Socialists. Do not go there. Another area is controlled by revolutionaries financed by cocaine. It is called Columbia. You will become a hostage . There is one area that holds a semblance of  Democracy called Brazil. but they are busy burning down the Rainforest and polluting the main river there with run off from gold mining. They and the Chinese currently drill out all our oil along the east coast. America is not allowed to. That place will be a waste land in a hundred years anyways.. The central Western Hemisphere (Mexico) is overun with drug gangs who ship human cargo across the American border as cheap labor. The present day government in America is headed up by a quasi-prophet named The OObi. He and his minions are perfectly happy with this scenario and will do little to protect you if you dare to wander this region. The inhabitants of this region are regularly killed, raped, robbed and terrorized with only themselves to blame (according to government documents and testimonies). Residents who stand up and defend their property are considered racist, right wing, gun toting nutcases.
    There is a strange place known as The Korean Peninsula. This is a place where polar opposites exist. In the southern part there is commerce, trade, hot chicks and cheap TV's. The northern part is barren, dark at night (no electricity) and the people are starving to death. The only commercial enterprise there seems to be nuclear weapons and other military equipment. Do not go there, you will be arrested and sent to a concentration camp along with 90% of the rest of that regions inhabitants. Everyone there bows to a Messiah (of sorts) known as "The Great Leader".
   

Places To Visit

    The northern Western Hemisphere (for the most part) is quite nice. The European enclave titled The Euro-Zone is quite nice. Be cautious here though, there are some financial problems going on there and riots can spark at a moments notice. Bring  a gas mask, tear gas is often used to diperse crowds and if you are caught up in this you can be affected by the gas. Again, just as was stated before, stay 100-200 feet away from these events and observe them from afar. Things tend to get destroyed including the demonstrators themselves. Be careful when taking photographs of these events, the law enforcement may think you are journalists and will club you like a Canadien baby seal in springtime.

    NOTE: Speaking of getting clubbed; be very wary of law enforcement on BizarroWorld. They tend to use their batons with impunity wherever they gather. Reports have surfaced that a married couple was clubbed in Washington on their honeymoon because they danced at the Jefferson Memorial. A separate report surfaced that a homeless man was clubbed at a homeless shelter (imagine that). In most mass gatherings you can be sure the riot police will show up to start the clubbing. Again, stay far away from these events and view them from afar.

    An awe inspiring place to visit is Alaska. A wonderful woman lives there who tried to wake America up when she ran as a VP candidate. The BizarroWorlders crucified her for being an American, for being a Republican and for being a woman. This is a great example of the mindset of BizarroWorlders. For decades the female species of this planet complained about being discriminated against. Decades later they crucify any woman who shows any sense of independence, purpose and self determination. Especially if it is counter to a dictated party line.
    The woman's name is Sarah, if you manage to get to this beautiful land, pay her a visit.
    Visit the Gulf Coast area, great fish and great music. A catagory 5 hurricane hit this area followed by a huge oil spill years later. Some how the people there have just kept going. This is probably one of the small examples of perseverance that still exists in BizarroWorld. The Admins in charge of this area blame some past President for all the troubles there. It makes no difference that disasters like this have happened before, it was still the fault of the past President. Hey, it's BizarroWorld!
    Visit the Northeast in the autumn, great colors, Visit the Eastern shore during the college "spring-break". Lots of drunk chicks shedding their tops. Visit the Ohio Valley where most of the corn comes from. Kids still can be seen learning a work ethic as they tend to farm chores, go to school, work a part time job and then..Go back to the farm for more chores and more homework. Currently the BizarroWorlders are working to to end this time honored tradition. It violates Child Labor laws, Social Workers are everywhere in this region, be wary and hide your kids.

    As of this publication, the events on BizarroWorld change daily. There may be more places to avoid and/or visit. It all depends on what happens next. Trust me, it is that fluid. The BizarroWorlders are constantly changing the names, places, descriptions to fit whatever new definition they make up at any point in time....Yeah, it is that messed up. So stay posted for the next installment of "The Traveller's Guide to BizarroWorld"...
  

A Traveler's Guide To BizarroWorld Part II

What Is BizarroWorld?

    BizarroWorld is a parallel universe. It is as simple as that. A parallel universe is a universe where all that is and was as truth here doesn't exist there. For instance, in a parallel universe Hitler and the Japanese win WWII, McArthy was right, Kennedy was never assasinated and Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey are NOT extraterrestrials.
    You get it? This is BizarroWorld in a nutshell.
   
    Having any political convictions based on facts and historical context carry no weight on this planet. It is all about how you "feel" concerning an issue. This concept can swing wildly into the unknown and the traveler must be aware of this at all times. Those "feelings" are rooted in a mindset known on this planet as "Political Correctness". It dominates the culture. The overwhelming majority of inhabitants of BizarroWorld are known as Liberals and this mentality pervades all facets of their society. In point of fact, the Liberals have collectively declared their planet a Democracy. This works well for them considering that Liberals  are the largest political ethnicity there. They essentially, rule everything.
    In the normal space/time continuem, Liberalism is considered a mental disorder by people who excersise common sense. In BizarroWorld it is the law of the land. I am hesitant to apply any sort of medical diagnosis on this idea because I have no medical evidence to back up such a claim. However, in the author's opinion, Liberalism is a form of mental pathology.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it....Oh, and never repeat that once your ship arrives.


How Did BizarroWorld Evolve?

    That is a good question Virginia, let me try to explain it this way.
    There is a debate going on between scientists and theologians about the existence of God. Scientist argue that their discoveries disclaim such a notion, while the theologians argue that scientists just come up with more questions once they discover something new, thus claiming the mystery of God. A second school of thought exists between more rational minded scientists and theologians that the mear fact that 95% of all people on Earth believe in a Creator and the fact that billions of other worlds possibly exist (with their idea of a Creator), that sentient life has "willed" God and Heaven into existence. Basically, with trillions and trillions of minds steeped in the idea of a diety, that diety has somehow metaphysically become real.
    Sounds sketchy, I know. Until you arrive on BizarroWorld.
    You see, BizarroWorld exists due to that same idea. The Liberals "willed" themselves into believing their own hogwash for so long and have indocrinated so many others for so long that the planet has metaphysically formed out of (literally) nothing. Gene Roddenberry couldn't have thought this up!

  It is here I must emphasize that you are entering a totally alien world. It may look, smell and sound like Earth but it is not. Be vigilant, always, ever vigilant.


Negotiating The Locals

    This can vary from region to region. We will cover areas to avoid in the next segment but, for now, lets concentrate on when you arrive and how to negotiate the local area upon landing.
    The central area formally known as The United States is still relatively sane, mostly farms, wilderness, very old communities. The rest of the place is a disaster, especially the sea coast areas. These regions are solid Lib controlled. Poverty and unemployment are rampant in these regions. Be sure to keep all valuables  at home in the real world. Carry your cash and credit cards inside of your body (ladies, time to take one for the team).
    Most locals can be bribed with large sums of cash. The local municipal drones will accept any type of bribe. You will see this in action if you witness a demonstration put on by one of the Union groups. People will be bribed and bussed in for these evnets. For your own safety stay at least 100-200 feet from these events. These groups tend to destroy everything around them including each other. Vast areas where past events have taken place are heavily damaged.
    Credit is very important. If you have a low score, do not go to BizarroWorld. You could be dying of thirst in the desert but if a local banker sees your FICO is low, he will let you die rather than take a drink. Credit does not work amongst the poor, they work in cash only. Be wary though, theft is rampant in the poor areas although most of it takes place on a governmental level.
    The worst thing you will encounter are "fees". There are fees for everything. There are fees for the fees and taxes to be paid on top of those fees. You cannot spit without a permit, cops are everwhere and they enforce the rules. Neighbors tell on neighbors and everyone is in everyone else's business. Again, large sums of cash will cure most of these meddlesome inconveniences. Besides, all the cash is fake in BizarroWorld. The government prints it out of thin air so spend all you want. All products in BizarroWorld come from China because American businesses hurt the environment and trample on the little people so they are strictly outlawed.


    So, be safe once you arrive and I will see you in the next segment where we explore the planetary regions that should be avoided.
   

A Traveler's Guide to BizarroWorld

    Welcome to the Traveler's Guide to BizarroWorld. In this pamphlet you will find many interesting subjects and sites to ponder. It has been my pleasure to piece together such a valuable companion to the Common Sense Individual as he/she navigates this amazingly interesting planet. I wish to address a few crucial points as you embark on your journey. This is purely for your safety and (partly) as my way of saying "I told you so.."

Introduction
    BizarroWorld is incredibly dangerous. Only the strong of conviction and politically educated should attempt the more remote areas of the planet. Be prepared to lose everything you stand for and be told you are insane, racist, homophobic and/or a Right Wing Nutbag. Be sure if you plan on running for office you are willing to be crucified for what you believe in. This is a particularly dangerous part of the planet. The bodies are everywhere.
    Nothing here makes any sense whatsoever. Alcohol helps for it is the only way for an educated person to understand the BizarroWorlders. Lies are the truth in BizzarroWorld. Deception is key to the power of the hegemony that dominates this planet and extends to others worlds within the system. For instance, at one time the leaders dared the inhabitants to reach for space. They attained quite a level of sofistication until the whole thing fell apart thanks to the emergence of The OObi (more on him later).
    The inhabitants are controlled by their own fear and inability to broaden their sense of self determination due to decades of largesse from the ruling elite. That largesse comes in various forms and there is a segment about that in this companion. This control creates suspicion amongst the dwellers so be careful how you proceed with statements that make total sense in the real world. This is BizarroWorld!
    The America you have departed from no longer exists here. It is not the exceptional nation built upon freedom, liberty and justice. It has morphed into some amalgamate of a planetary government called The UN. What rules apply in other areas of the planet apply here. However, long standing priciples of Government of a Republic do not apply to those areas..Nor do they here. In some areas lawlessness is rampant and supported politically, financially and morally by this UN. There is a palpable hatred amongst the majority of the inhabitants of these principles. Those who still cling to it have gone underground and formed movements in an attempt to restore the American Republic. Many of these groups are the same ones you will see targeted as you journey through this land. Be mindful: do not attempt contact unless you can live up to the standards and consequences listed above. You will be viewed as "one of them". Do not aid or comfort or you will never see your Homeworld again. You could be killed.

    With that covered, lets talk about what you will need for survival equipment on this desolate orb. The first thing you will need is a very thick skin. Preferably the texture and thickness of Bison works well here. (Note: If you accidentally manage an unfortunate confrontation with a BizarroWorlder, just say you are a Bison. They will immediately want to protect you from everything, including yourself. Claiming you are an "old growth" forest has worked for other travelers).
    Weapons are banned here. Only law enforcement and government are allowed to have them. Again, be careful if you choose to carry one. Keep it hidden and if you are forced to use it, HIDE THE BODY!!
    This brings me to the next piece of equipment. You will need a shovel. One reason, to bury any bodies you acumulate and to clear away the immense debris fields known a bullshit. BizarroWorld makes so much of it it is piled up from horizon to horizon somewhere around the neck level. This explains the brown rings around the inhabitant's necks. It has nothing to do with the sphincter.
    Feel free to bring any electronic texting/phone device you wish. 99.9% of all BizarroWorlders are transfixed on theirs. This can be useful due to the fact that they pay no attention to anything else except those things. Car accidents are frequent so be carefull walking or driving, no one is paying attention.The only exception is if you say, text, post or print something that one of them deems 'offensive". The possibility of all out war can turn on a phrase, a photo, a drawing, so be very careful in this regard. You could be arrested or killed.
    Dress accordingly for the weather (ladies no innapropriate shoes or revealing clothes if you vist the Middle Eastern side of the planet). Wear nothing with a political emblem on it. Hide any example of military service unless you are actively in the service and on deployement. This has been found to intimidate BizarroWorlders and can be very effective during unfortunate confrontations. In more recent cases however, such military personnel have been asked  to remove such uniforms.
    Bring medicine. Get all your shots. Learn First-Aid before coming here and bring a kit with you!. A medical emergency could send you into the labyrinth of their government run medical facilities. To date, millions are presumed still lost and wandering in there as a result of an unintended injury while visiting. Most are presumed dead. Don't be one of them.
    Finally bring losts of cash but be sure to keep it hidden and close to your body. Theft is a very real possibility although most of it takes place on a governmental level. Most of these people however, can be bribed with large amounts of cash. You will see this if you attend a protest put on by any of the Unions that dominate the landscape. Please view these from afar for they tend to get out of hand and result and violence and property damage.

    With that I hope you enjoy the next chapters that will be published in the days ahead as you prepare for your trip into...BizarroWorld